Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Thursday
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?