Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”