Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish