Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

A ghost story

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.