Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.