Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
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Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
So true for me
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty