Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.