Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son