Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’