Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.