Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
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smh
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”