Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
You Might Also Like
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I fixed it. For me
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’d love this…lol
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.