Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas