Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.

Got him!

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)