Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*