Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.