Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
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People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
#ProTip
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
no exceptions
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun