petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
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Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
This is me
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes