*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
This is enough internet for the day.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.