*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
I love wikipedia
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
