*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
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“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present