*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My beach vacation Google searches
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.