Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious