[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.