Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Brother?

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

WHO DID THIS?

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*