Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

I just tested negative for patience.

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..