[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
oh my gosh!!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.