Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

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So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go


Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man


I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”


I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.


Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.


If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?


Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win