@Brampersandon_

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

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@capnwatsisname

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

@bewgtweets

Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man

@tigersgoroooar

I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”

@_b1p0larbear

I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.

@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@lawyerthoughts

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win