[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me too 😆
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.