[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
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Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
January has been Januweary
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now