[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”