[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags