[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
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Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
The news is so predictable nowadays
m’lady
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.