[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
British websites use biscuits.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following