[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits