[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Gods work.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Whoa 😂
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.