Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Hell yeah 👍

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.