Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit