[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I ain’t wearing no wire
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
when a toddler tells a story
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.