[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
ugh not again
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.