[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
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Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Spotted in the wild
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.