Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

technique

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

no one ever comes back

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them