Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Name another movie that mislead you?

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]