Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Damn … History Channel 😀

#archaeohistories

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month