[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I think the cat got the dog high.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
This is why I hate group projects
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup