Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.