Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!