Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”