Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
You Might Also Like
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
based al yankovic
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.