“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.