“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
10/10 no notes
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.