“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron