“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
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Blew my mind.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up