Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
FRED: right
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
problems i need
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
