Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer