Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

Shoo shoo! 😂

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*