Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
You Might Also Like
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
This is my cat’s medicine.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?