Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

bro what is going on at twitter

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Sorted

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??