Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

screw you

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you