Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

worst…sale…ever

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.