Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Orange is oranging 🟠

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

🐿️

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.