Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂