Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
They should make a moral fiber supplement