Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
when you order from DoorDastardly
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.