pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.