Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits