pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“What?”
– Jude
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers