pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
eggs benadryl
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Banking tips
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I didn’t realize that was an option
