pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I think this cat is broken
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: