You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!” – aaaaaaaaand hospital.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK