@TuSoonShakur

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

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@infamousone96

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@thajawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@garyfromteenmom

[first date]
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@Aspersioncast

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

@ClichedOut

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK