pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
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“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.