Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Yup

water it, i dare you