“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
You Might Also Like
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”