“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.