PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Succinctly put.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
