PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
