Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything