Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

when the buffet is more honest than your date

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.