Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

The options really are this bad

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!