Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Thank you corporation very cool

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER