Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner